Scrolling through a dating app… and I found him!

 

He was charming, funny, and intelligent, by far not my usual type or if at all. I had ignored him many times online and even cancelled our first date; I just didn’t feel like going (gut feeling maybe) – but he was persistent.

 

Eventually, I gave in and we met up a few times. Even though I explained that I didn’t want to be any more than friends, he was interested in everything I had to say and made a conscious effort to still get to know me. He sent me flowers, started to call me every day, made plans for us to go out to dinner and events, and even for us to go away for weekends. He made me feel how I had wanted to be treated in my previous long-term relationship, and of course we had so much in common, he was always there for me and I was indeed swept off my feet.

 

Over time things with us started to change and didn’t add up. He would criticize me, became controlling and jealous, would compare me to his previous exes which made me feel insecure about myself, and he became secretive with his phone. I then found out he was on dating sites talking to other women, and frequently I would receive messages via media to ask if I was still with him, and yet somehow from his perspective that was my fault.

He would only tell me he loved me, or didn’t want to lose me in an argument, and sex was all on his terms. Everything during our relationship was manipulated to be his way, and he would purposely do things that I wouldn’t like so I would question him, so then he could make me feel bad for thinking negatively of him.

 

And then there’s the lies… I could write a book on them.

 

I started to feel isolated, he didn't want to spend time with my friends or family, they had seen some of his antics and didn’t like him anyway and couldn’t understand why I was still there. He made me feel like they didn't understand me, or even like me, and whilst they distanced themselves from me as they didn’t want anything to do with him, that helped him solidify it more in my mind that this was how they viewed me. I was losing myself and I knew I was no longer the person I was before I met him, but I couldn’t see the way out, because I was always manipulated back in. 

 

Eventually, one day I just snapped… we were over, and it was me left with the guilt and difficulty of moving on, whilst he got straight back to the dating scene (that he never really left). 

 

After a year apart we were back in contact. He said he wanted to be friends, and this is what I wanted in the first place so I was fine with that. In my head we got on well in general with our interests etc. so maybe the relationship was the cause of everything between us.

BUT… as time moved on, I was still feeling everything I felt in the relationship, I couldn’t bare other women around and he would purposely look to wind me up about going on dates, and was talking to those he went behind my back with. I had asked him not to, and I didn’t like knowing about it, but even without a word from him I knew, and they all still messaged me. Everything from our relationship was resurfacing, it was like we were together but without the label or the intimacy, he was creeping back in but worse this time, because we were just 'friends' so he had that label to his advantage.

 

All the years of the criticism, belittling, gas lighting tactics that created the doubts of my own perceptions of reality, finally led me to have to go to therapy. According to him, I had been an awful girlfriend and friend, but every time in the next breath I was the best thing in his life?!

He would then tell me that I had a personality disorder and had me believing I did too, he looked for any opportunity to make me fire at him so he could tell me and everyone around him that there was something wrong with me.

When I would speak to people in general with him present, he would say to me “god knows what they thought of you”, I would be asking why and he would say “it doesn’t matter” and then twiddle his finger by the side of his head and if to say to me “you’ve got issues” which he would often say to me anyway. He crushed my confidence and communication within all aspects of my life which created barriers between myself and those I love, and also led to missed opportunities in my career, due to the fear of how I was perceived and if I was to say anything wrong to upset them. 

 

One evening I was scrolling on media and a video come up about narcissists, the typical grandiose narcissist - they had literally described him!

It was in this moment I realised that, whilst I knew there was previous traumas due to the snippets of information he let slip over the years, I had taken our relationship issues to all be because of me. I had been collecting red flags instead of roses for years, through hoping he would realise he needed support too, but now the harsh truth was that he was never going to see he needed that support whilst I was around. And in fact, I had been in a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship for years.

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The more I researched without him knowing, the more I needed to get out. My self-esteem was shattered, and I had lost all sense of direction in my life, but that video put everything into perspective. The more I learnt, the more my voice came back, and the more it would ignite his narcissistic rage. I was trying to make myself less appealing to him so that he would lose interest in me, severing as many ties that I could to reduce any need to be in each other’s company. It clearly left him clearly confused by this, but it also led him to go back to one of his previous supplies, which was the moment it made my escape far easier but yet still difficult due to the trauma bond.

 

As I lay in bed one night, tears streaming down my face struggling to let go of the side of him I fell in love with, but also recognising that there was always a cloud above my head ready to pour on those lovely times, and egg shells beneath my feet, it swiftly led to me thinking of all the that happened over the years, and how I could see something wasn’t right -  but I didn’t see this.

I then and there, made a promise to myself that I would never let anyone treat me the way I had been treated again, and it was now the best time for him to go. I knew I had to take control of my life and find a way to continue to heal from the pain that had consumed me for so long, and from that moment I started to push harder to get away, it was so difficult to leave but within a few months, we were no contact.

 

Whilst he was still around, I had found the world of coaching, he told me I wouldn’t make a good coach, little did he know what area I wanted to coach in.

I had been reading everything and had begun my journey to recovery through every resource I could find on narcissistic abuse. I attended therapy and slowly but surely, I started to regain my sense of self-worth. I realised that I wasn't alone and that there were many others out there who had been through similar experiences.

 

As I continued to heal, I was still passionate about helping others who were going through what I had. I wanted to use my experience to help them find their way out of this abuse, to find their identity and to remove any of the blame they’ve put on themselves – and so I knew that becoming a coach was my calling.

 

I enrolled in a coaching program with The Coaching Masters (TCM) and immersed myself in learning everything I could under their membership. First doing the foundation coaching certification, NLP and Holistic Modalities, and then moving on to become an internationally accredited coach whilst also completing a Trauma Informed Care Certification.

 

The journey to becoming a coach was not an easy one, it brought forward a lot more within me that I hadn’t touched on in therapy but it was worth every moment. It's allowed me to make peace with myself, and to know what a healthy relationship is, to have now found a partner who treats me with love and respect. 

 

Leaving him was difficult, but it has been so freeing. I have found a sense of purpose and meaning in my life that I never thought was possible, discovered more of who I am and most importantly, I have found a way to help many other people heal from their past too, by finding the strength to move forward with their lives and to feel empowered to do so.